I really wanted to like this MV. Judging by the teasers, it had all the elements necessary for me to love it–black leather, phallic-shaped weapons, lots of guyliner, beautiful men crying. So what went wrong?

I feel like this MV was a cruel, cruel joke, like one of those “make a deal with the devil” movies in which all the protagonists’ wishes come true, but in a horrific perversion of what they imagined. Take my wish list for this MBLAQ comeback: more Joon, a great song, and a MV with a storyline.

If this isn’t a warning to be careful what you wish for, I don’t know what is.

But to be fair, it ain’t all bad. The song is good, although at this point, it’s been completely overshadowed by the MV. It’s got that uber-dramatic strings-driven flair reminiscent of SS501′s “Love Ya,” which is one of my favorite K-pop songs. “It’s War” is definitely more of a stock “K-Pop” sound than their previous singles, but it capitalizes on one of MLAQ’s strongest points–angst and emotion. It seems like they were trying to channel the drama-angst of “Cry” into something more upbeat and I think the song was pretty successful at that. I am concerned, however, about it seeming generic. While it’s true that nothing in K-Pop is wholly original, a really great K-pop song should still feel fresh and distinct enough to stand out and be memorable. “It’s War” feels a bit too much like MBLAQ by numbers. However, it’s still early on, so perhaps after seeing a live performance and listening to it a few more times it will grow on me. It’s certainly having success on the charts, and maybe that’s the important thing.

As for the rest of the MV, I really liked the dance sequences, and… well, pretty much everything except the “storyline” (and I use this term very loosely). The guys look really hot and the styling was (mostly) kind to them (the “mostly” is prompted by Seungo and G.O’s hairstyles, which are thoroughly atrocious. Mir’s weird mohawk thing actually seemed to work with the concept, and Joon is positively delicious with the red hair, but let’s be real, when is he not?). I really liked the whole “postapocalyptic wasteland” thing they had going with the set for the dance sequences, and I’m looking forward to seeing a dance version of the MV. The costumes weren’t even that terrible, compared to the hot mess that was the album concept photos. In fact, if it weren’t for the wretched “storyline” I think this could’ve been a really great MV.

Well, that and one more thing. The teasers featured a Malcom X quote, and I was kind of hoping that was the last I’d see (hear?) of it. But there it was again at the start of the MV. I honestly don’t know why it’s even there. It might’ve worked out better if the MV didn’t have the storyline it did (or any storyline for that matter), but things as they are, it comes off as a kind of cheap ploy to add drama, sort of like a Harry Potter fanfiction author prefacing their Harry/Draco slash story with a MLK quote. Actually, I amend that statement. I wouldn’t have worked out ever. Come on, K-Pop. You’ve got to to better than that.

Moving on, let us talk about the storyline (oh God, do I have to?). Sweet Seungrisus, the storyline.

Generally speaking I’m not one to nitpick on K-pop MV storylines not making sense, because it’s a MV, not Citizen Kane. The storyline is there to enhance the song or to illustrate a concept. It’s not the main attraction. It’s like, do people go to the opera and the ballet or watch porn for the story? However, I expect MV storylines to at least keep up a consistent look and tone. And this is where I think “It’s War” failed the most. I felt like I was watching several different MVs mashed together. The storyline had nothing to do with the whole postapocalyptic war zone thing the dance sequences had going, and was full of drastic tonal shifts from a slick Bourne-esque spy drama to overwrought tearjerker k-drama to bizarre Matrix-esque magic realism (I have also seen a lot of comparisons to the movie Wanted, but having never seen that movie, I can neither confirm nor deny these comparisons).

I’m not going to recap the plotline of the MV in detail, since it’s too long and too stupid and would just end up being a laundry list of plot holes and WTF moments with occasional respites to mock Thunder’s acting and Joon’s facial expressions. Let’s just say it was “Y” on LSD and leave it at that. I honestly had trouble discerning if this MV was going for all-out farce or if it was actually attempting to take itself seriously. It’s kind of reminiscent of Big Bang’s “Haru Haru” in that respect. Joon was definitely having a ball with all the melodrama, and went full retard in his performance (and before anyone here busts an artery, I’m quoting Tropic Thunder). Speaking of Thunder, he seemed to be the only one who was really trying, bless his heart. Then we have Seungho with his glycerine tears and Joon’s perfect single tear rolling down his perfect cheek and Mir growling and sneering through his rap and G.O wailing out the most dramatic adlibs since Soohyun in “Tick Tack.” Speaking of which, I now have a beautiful mental picture of G.O and Joon in a homoerotic adlib-off and am weeping for what could’ve been.

I guess the worst part to me is that the storyline felt like a whole lot of pandering. It seems like JTC were so desperate to secure a long-overdue and much-deserved win for MBLAQ that they just mashed together all the hottest trends in K-pop MVs right now, along with aspects of fan favorite songs/MVs from MBLAQ’s past. I already talked about the plotline being a rehash of “Y.” And then we have Thunder. I can honestly say I do not understand the creative decision behind his character or his plotline at all. The whole lovable-hobo shtick and his scenes with the girl are so discordant with the rest of the storyline, like they wandered in from another cutesy MV by a group like B1A4. I cannot help but see them as fanservice for Thunder fangirls. And don’t any of you fuckheads comment with something like, “But the storyline matches the lyrics! It’s about best friends at war over a girl!” Like I said before, this is a MV, not Citizen Kane. We’re not talking about crafting a story, we’re talking about setting a mood and evoking a certain feeling. The raw, aggressive imagery of the music and the lyrics is far more suited for the kind of testosterone-fueled alpha-male showdown we saw in “Y” between Joon and Seungho. Pitting Joon’s spy character against Thunder’s lovable hobo is like watching Daniel Craig’s James Bond take on Jesse Eisenberg’s… well, any character he’s ever played. Just no.

The MV also seems to be cashing in on a recent trend of long storyline-heavy MVs that feel more like mini-movies. The guns/spies/gangsters motif is super hot right now, as seen in DBSK’s “Before U Go” and T-ara’s “Cry Cry” and “Lovey Dovey.” I personally am not fond of these types of MV, as they tend to be overdramatic and overly long to the point of feeling tedious. Was there really any reason for “Lovey Dovey” MV to be 20 minutes long? (Granted 5 of those minutes were credits, but still). Furthermore, they’re still MVs, not actual movies, so the storylines still make about as much sense as MV storylines usually do. Rather than using the extra running time to develop the characters or craft a good story, the MV directors just keep shoving more melodramatic crap in there until all you’re left with is a noisy, overwrought, incoherent mess. Did Michael Bay get a side gig directing K-pop MVs? Now I ain’t saying there aren’t any well-done “storyline” MVs–IU’s “You and I” and Brown-Eyed Girls’ “Cleansing Cream” come to mind–but I think at this point the trend has reached saturation point.

I want to believe that this MV was kind of a satirical take on this trend, what with the ridiculous storyline and hammy overacting. But I fear that might be giving it too much credit. Still, reading it as farce makes more sense than the alternative, so that’s what I’m going to do. Yes, I know this is probably a beautiful delusion. But you know how I love my beautiful delusions. Let me hold onto this one a bit longer.

Phallic symbols:

Glycerine tears:

Joonfaces:

But what the fuck, J. Tune Camp

What in the actual fuck

Can we talk about this hokey ass filter that looks like that free shit you get on Photoshop sites, you know, those filters so useless no one wants to pay for them? And the outfits. The fucking outfits. After being a K-pop fan for over a year I figured I had pretty much seen it all. I figured wrong. To surprise one as jaded and bored as I am is quite a feat indeed. I mean, shit. It’s like JTC thought of about 5 concepts, all equally hokey, and couldn’t decide which one to go with, so they threw them all into a blender and just went with it. I refuse to believe someone was paid to design this. They probably spent their entire paycheck for even more LSD, the nasty ass shit you buy out behind the Circle K from some kid in a hoodie and has all sorts of unknown substances cut into it. The kind that makes you trip such balls everything sounds like Led Zeppelin and everything looks like it has this photoshop filter on it.

But hey, at least they put Joon front and center.

Seungho clearly cannot discern what the fuck that contraption on his wrist is any more than I can. He’s staring at it with the same sense of horror/fascination/confusion that I am feeling when I behold this I-laughingly-use-the-term photo shoot. This outfit is like Robin Hood meets Neo meets the rubber man from American Horror Story. Plus that random wrist thing.

I’m sorry I can’t express myself more articulately, but sometimes, all there is to say is… the fuck is this??? I was seriously speechless for a good long while when i saw this photo. First off, let me say that G.O cannot take a solo photo without working his hand in there somewhere (and no, it’s not as kinky as that sounded. Sadly). It’s like his signature pose. Now, while I have no problem gazing upon G.O’s hands, it would be kind of nice not to have cluster of shoelaces dangling in his pretty face. I mean, let’s be real, he’s one of the prettiest members of MBLAQ (and possibly one of the prettiest K-poppers) and these photo shoot directors keep shoving more shit in front of his face. Just. Stop.

As for this cornucopia of awful passing itself off as a costume, it looks like the costume designer just grabbed whatever was left over after working on an Ice Capades show and an S&M XXX video. And threw in some tap washers for good measure. Nothing says fierce and badass like a chain of tap washers!

Guys, you should’ve just gone with one of the S&M outfits. G.O in assless chaps and a collar would’ve probably been less embarrassing than this.

I’m thinking Sephiroth mated with a sasquatch and now has a severe case of indigestion after slaughtering and eating a massive silver spray-painted turkey. Possibly the same one that donated its feathers to G.O’s monstrosity. That poor, poor turkey. It deserves a better fate than this.

I guess Doc Marten boots survive the apocalypse.

This is actually one of the better photos in this hot ass mess of a shoot. Probably because you can’t see most of the outfit. Granted, Mir’s getup looks like a cross between Leonardo DiCaprio’s Romeo meets a goth cheerleader, but hey, at least Leo was really, really pretty in that film. The makeup is actually pretty decent–Mir looks good here, not too overdone. You know that a photo shoot is really fucked when a guy sporking a blonde Chingachgook ‘do actually took one of the more flattering photos.

And saving the totally objective and unbiased best for last, we have Joon. Oh, Joon. Be still my panties, for I never saw true beauty until this night. Or something. OK maybe I have and that would be the last time I looked at him but whatever. That face. That face. It almost makes me forget about the clusterfuck that is his outfit. It’s like they tried to tone down as much of his beauty as they could with this horrendousness but succeeded only in making him look like a really attractive yeti with a bondage kink lying on the floor making come-hither eyes at me and Joon I’m coming just let me grab my fur-covered cuffs first–

*ahem*

The video teasers for “It’s War” are surprisingly, well, normal after seeing this shoot. In fact, it’s almost disappointing. You don’t just drop a photo shoot concept this appallingly horrific and then ho-hum, standard K-pop MV that looks like a cross between the Bourne films and an overwrought k-drama. When you go this tacky and awful, you’ve got to commit. I was all set for some balls-out postapocalyptic Mad Max-esque ’80s throwback wonderfulness. Can you imagine? MBLAQ rolling through the desert in a tank firing phallic-shaped weapons whilst an army of scantily-clad extras scatter like flies. Damn, even JTC’s $2 budget could manage that. Have you seen ’80s movies?  It’s not like the SFX need to be good or anything.

Just shell out for a decent blonde wig to put on Thunder. He’d be fetching as Aunty.

I swear Alexander Lee Eusebio’s existence is the biggest mindfuck since the season finales of LOST. I can’t with this guy. A former U-KISS member, he is most known for his ridiculous hairstyles, devout Christianity, word vomiting all over twitter, and general insanity. He is one exceptional individual. Yet, fangirls (and probably some fanboys) all over the Internet still want to bone him. Go figure.

Oh, right.

I must confess to being a part of their ranks, but in my defense, crazy people can make great lays. Furthermore, the guy speaks seven languages (often all at the same time), so he clearly possesses exceptional oral sensitivity. Or maybe we’re all looking for one-way tickets to special hale. On his twitter, he has dubbed himself the Virgin King, yet proceeds to constantly bait fangirls with blatant innuendo. Harry Plinkett, if you are reading this, I think we have finally found a bigger galactic cocktease than Padmé Amidala. He is also quite fond of TMI, not that that puts off the fans. I wonder what the Virgin King of TMI thinks of his most popular tags over on last.fm: perfection, please let me lick you, marry me, xander, sexiest.

But as much fun as discussing him as a sexual object has been, I’m here to review his mini-album, “I Just.” The fact that it is named after a sentence fragment is really indicative of the effort put forth on its presentation. It is clear his company spared no expense. Check out some stills from the music video for “I Just” (courtesy of fuckyeahukiss on tumblr):

The way I see it, this video could go one of two ways: so godawful it’s amazing or so godawful it could be one of the crappier holodeck episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation–program: low-budget K-pop video, year 1995. We’ve got every K-pop cliché up in here: vehicle porn (mind the license plates), dancers in horrendous outfits, cheap-tacular set, and a girl for the not-gays™. I desperately hope this video is a complete tongue-in-cheek parody of itself, because I honestly don’t know if I could deal with the alternative. It’s kind of hard to mock something so ridiculous and yet at the same time, so earnest. It’s like kicking an adorable three-legged puppy that’s blind in one eye. Even I am not that heartless.

However, I don’t really get that vibe from this mini. Maybe it’s because U-KISS has never struck me as a band who takes themselves all that seriously (although considering their reputation, that is probably for the best) and Xander has never struck me as a person who takes himself all that seriously. I mean, we’re talking about a guy who has dropped his pants on nationwide TV. No, really. I could not make this shit up (nice black boxer-briefs, by the way). He seems to be having a blast with all this, which I suppose he’d have to, considering that he has donned these two outfits in public with a relatively straight face. I can’t decide if this whole thing is a brilliant satire and deconstruction of K-Pop, or if he’s just batshit insane. Either way, I’m loving it.

“Bad Girl” was the first song I heard and it’s the best by far. And by “best” I mean fucking amazing, emphasis on the “fucking.” This is straight-up ’90s-style freaknasty bump n’ grind. You aren’t fooling anyone, Xander. Exceptional oral sensitivity indeed. This opus only has an English version (and I use this descriptor very loosely), so yay, I can actually understand most of it! Not that there really is much to understand. It’s three minutes of aural sex, basically. For a guy whose main role in U-KISS was as a rapper, the vocals are unexpectedly smooth, despite copious amounts of autotune. I cannot discern if the autotune is there because of his singing ability (or lack thereof), stylistic reasons, or simply to cover his heavy accent. Or a combination of the above. If it’s to cover the accent, it failed miserably. This ain’t one of those accents most people who aren’t weird find sexy, like French or British or something. Which, by the way, I have never understood. Why are certain accents considered sexy and others not? I call accentism.

“I Just” is the title track and quite frankly, I found it rather underwhelming. It’s OK, I guess. It’s got a good beat and it’s catchy enough. After the sublime perfection of “Bad Girl” it’s got a tough act to follow. This track also sounds very ’90s, which may or may not be a good thing, depending on what your preferences are. There are three versions: Korean, Japanese, and English, so it’s a matter of picking your accent. I have no idea what his native tongue is and can’t seem to locate any information about it on the Internet, but I know it ain’t any of these. Xander’s Korean has really deteriorated since he left U-KISS. I don’t even speak Korean fluently and I could hear the accent. Oy vey.

Finally we have “Oh! Baby!” This track is another trip down memory lane, this time to the ’80s. The intro has been frequently compared to Olivia Newton-John’s “Let’s Get Physical” and not without merit. It never ceases to amaze me how K-Pop song writers think they can (and often do) get away with lifting iconic 80s and 90s songs. Not to be ethnocentric here, because I don’t think that everyone should know Amurrican pop music, but considering the efforts put into making K-Pop a global phenomenon and spreading the Hallyu wave and all that crap, you’d think songwriters and producers would do their homework. International fans can sniff out this shit a mile away, and they do. K-Pop plagiarism scandals rear their ugly heads on a regular basis. Fortunately for Xander, he’s probably too irrelevant for anyone to care, so he dodged a bullet.

Aside from the ’80s bubblegum sound, however, the similarities end there. The song is everything I love about K-pop. It is tremendously cheesy, nonsensical, and utterly impossible to take seriously. Like “I Just,” there are three versions, and the English one has some golden lyricism. Here are a couple of my favorite lines: “You make me feel so feel shooby-dooby-dooby-dooby-doo-bah-bah” and “I’m the real McCoy.” Oh Xander. Why yes, yes you are.

So there you have it. Do I recommend this album? Absolutely. No, I’m not on drugs. God. So if you love the 80s and 90s, multilingual absurdity, autotune, and cheesiness, you’d probably dig it. Personally, I find this mini-album goes down (hehe, “goes down”) easiest when treated exactly as it presents itself, a form of pop pastiche with tongue firmly in cheek. Come on. You know you want it.

No, Hyuna and Larry do not pull an Alias-like magical plot twist and are actually secretly alive because the ones who killed each other were actually their doubles and the real Hyuna and Larry are still out there and will return with the wonderful cat for a sequel. Although that would be awesome.

It seems like there’s been quite a bit of blowback regarding the Troublemaker vid and performances. The choreography was changed in live performances due to controversy over the moves being “too sexy” for TV. Stateside, there’s been controversy over a rather… strongly worded review of the video over at Eat Your Kimchi. Now, while I personally do not know Simon and Martina, I do enjoy their blog and believe it is a pretty valuable resource for international K-pop fen. I hoped I was not stepping on their toes when I started this blog, but I feel reassured that other than the focus on K-pop it’s quite different in content and reviewing style (not saying any one is better than the other, either, just different). I have read their “Troublemaker” blog entry and watched the review video. This entry is admittedly partially a response to it, but mostly, it’s a response to the controversy over this video and over Hyuna in general.

In my “Troublemaker” recap, I mocked Internet feminists for appointing Hyuna as their poster girl. Not because I don’t take feminism seriously–I am a feminist myself–but because I always mock people being overdramatic on the Internet. It’s just what I do. I certainly have no issue with Hyuna or with her sexy image. Still, I’m not sure I’m ready to appoint her as some kind of feminist icon either. In the eyes of this jaded American fan, she isn’t really doing anything new, not only in terms of Western media, but even other K-pop. When After School first debuted a few years ago, much fuss was made over their sexy image, and they were compared to the Pussycat Dolls. The Brown-Eyed Girls are also known for being sexy, as you can see in their “Abracadabra” and “Sixth Sense” videos. More recently, Rania played up a sexy image in “Doctor Feelgood.” And obviously, there’s Lee Hyori, to whom Hyuna is often compared. I don’t find any of these videos to be any more or less sexy than “Bubble Pop” or “Troublemaker.”

So why is everyone making such a fuss over Hyuna? Why does she receive so much more censure than others?

The obvious answer would be that she’s simply more visible, at least internationally. “Bubble Pop” went viral and it’s everywhere now. Even non K-pop fans on the Internet all seem to know about it. It’s shown up in a handful of Western music magazines and websites. “Bubble Pop” also sounds a bit more Western than the other K-pop songs named above, except for perhaps “Doctor Feelgood.” But mostly, I think, it’s because of the way Hyuna is hyped and marketed. And this is a problem–because Cube only focuses on the sex appeal. Sure, lip service is paid to her dancing skills and charisma, but I’ma cut the shit–aside from her fans, no one cares about that. They care about the booty poppin’. It’s the first association people make with Hyuna–not her songs, her dancing, her singing, or her rapping. And while it does work brilliantly as a marketing strategy–you can’t convince me for a minute that Cube doesn’t know what they’re doing and are milking it for all it’s worth–it devalues Hyuna as an artist, and makes her instead into a spectacle. Her music is almost an afterthought, if people even think about it at all. For me, this isn’t what music (even silly fluffy pop music) is about. I like to think that any creative work, even pop music, comes from some kind of creative spark, to paraphrase Harry Plinkett. And I don’t really feel that from “Bubble Pop” or “Troublemaker.”  They just feel coldly calculated and churned out for maximum controversy and exposure, even more blatantly so than other K-pop. Which is already pretty blatant.

Of course, you could make the argument that Hyuna doesn’t seem to object to any of this, and that she actually seems quite comfortable in the sexpot role. And there is nothing wrong with that. I ain’t saying she needs to turn into IU or someone else known for being cute or wholesome. The sexy image isn’t the issue here. The issue is that the hype and marketing surrounded her has made her only into that. While fans will look at her other work and appreciate her as an artist, casual K-pop fen and drive-by youtube surfers will not. They will only see the sexy image, and that is all she will be to them. And it opens up the door for her critics to be really gross and to slut-shame, and then discussion quickly derails into bitter arguments over gender and sexuality.

I have seen the argument that male idols can flaunt their sexuality by stripping and hip-thrusting onstage and nobody will object to it. I find this argument rather simplistic and idealistic, because the answer should be plainly obvious. Most K-pop fen, including international ones, were raised in and operate within patriarchal societies. We are conditioned to see male sexuality as powerful and active, and female sexuality as objectifying and passive. It is impossible to slut-shame men, because there is no long and enduring tradition of men being exploited as sexual objects. As a society we are trained to be uncomfortable with expression of female sexuality, even when it is meant to be powerful and active, for that reason. These associations are so deeply ingrained that most of us respond to them without even realizing it. Again, quoting the brilliance that is Harry Plinkett: “you didn’t notice it, but your brain did.”

Unfortunately, the response to this kind of discomfort isn’t to question why we feel it or to consider what it means. It’s far easier for critics to slut-shame than it is to actually articulate whatever is bothering them. Why would go through all the trouble of thinking these things through and tl;dring all over your WordPress blog when you can just say she’s a slut and call it a day? This kind of behavior is really gross, but it’s sadly also typical. As a society we have been conditioned to immediately turn to gendered insults when critiquing women. Just look at any Internet discussion on a woman, real or fictional. The overwhelming majority of insults will be gendered. I would be really surprised if a discussion existed in which they weren’t. This sort of thinking is so deeply ingrained in us that even when people mean well (and I do think Simon and Martina mean well), it still comes bubbling to the surface (no pun intended). You don’t have to call someone a slut to slut-shame. Attacking a woman based upon her expression of sexuality is slut-shaming, full stop.

I would also like to stress that while the above paragraph is an explanation, it is by no means an exoneration. I don’t believe in just shrugging and writing this behavior off as, “So gendered terms are the ‘default’ insults for women, it’s just the Internet.” I find this sort of thinking every bit as destructive as the sexist comments, frankly. Because until people start calling this sort of thing out, and until people realize that it is not OK, then nothing is going to change. Saying nothing, or shrugging it off, might as well be approval, because as long as there are no repercussions for being gross people will continue to do so.

Conversely, this doesn’t mean that any woman with a sexy image is immune to criticism.  Nor am I telling everyone reading this that they have to like Hyuna. What I am saying is to think about why her songs or videos make you uncomfortable, and to think about what you’re saying when you criticize them. Find a way to articulate what you dislike without resorting to gendered terms or concepts, and if this is impossible, well, maybe it’s time to reconsider why you feel so uncomfortable. It’s hard to unlearn sexist ways of thinking that have become so ingrained in us, and until a greater societal change in these attitudes occurs, these discussions are always going to be volatile. This isn’t something that’s going to happen instantly, I know, nor is it going to happen solely from complaining on the Internet. But I also think every little bit counts, and any way you can increase awareness is a good thing. It is only when we are open about these topics that any kind of progress can be made.

Until then, just enjoy the music. Trust me, it’s much more fun that way.

OK so you guys know I’ve got mad love for U-KISS by now. Probably more than is healthy. So I have to recap their latest video “TickTack.” It’s actually a J-pop song, and not a K-pop one, but whatever, it’s still U-KISS. And it is glorious.

U-KISS has been through a lot of ups and down since their inception back in ’08. I like to pretend their work prior to “Man Man Ha Ni” does not exist. Let’s just say Kiseop dodged more bullets than Neo. Now if you’ve watched “Man Man Ha Ni” and marveled at the idea that it is generally considered one of their less secondhand embarrassment-inducing MVs, welcome to U-KISS! Now you know why I love them so much. And I ain’t talking about “ironic” hipster love that has done more to ruin that word than Alanis has. Like actual love. Like bleeding guyliner and mullets and pompadours love. And pompamullets. Long live Xander’s pompamullet!

And then we have “Shut Up,” which is quite possibly one of the most homoerotic music videos ever made. Or at least that I know of. It is amazing. In fact it might be one of my favorite things ever, along with white chocolate Toblerone and America’s Next Top Model. It truly must be experienced to be believed. Let’s see, hot girl in there to establish the not-gays™ (term credited to Harry S. Plinkett in his Star Trek XI review), choreography full of boy-touching and face-molesting, gratuitous partial nudity in scenes without the girl… yeaahhh. You guys keep on keeping on.

So then NH Media decided to boot two members and replace them with a couple other shmucks. Then they released “0330,” an angsty piano-heavy ballad-with-a-beat that was supposed to show their softer side. Again, girl in the vid to establish the not-gays™, but still somehow full of boy touching and fangirl bait. How nice of them to throw us a bone. And no, there was no pun intended there. God, get your minds out of the gutter.

At that point I honestly started to worry that the U-KISS I know and love unironically was gone for good, along with Kibum’s stankface and Xander’s pompamullets. But then Neverland came out, and my hopes were restored. Badass video, badass lives, badass choreo full of homoeroticism. They didn’t even bother with a girl in the vid for the not-gays™. A++, guys. This trend continues with “Tick Tack,” and I can honestly say there isn’t a thing about this video I don’t love.

“Tick Tack” seems to be capitalizing on the latest K-pop trend: steampunk. Don’t you know? Guns and gangsters are so last season. Now we’ve got IU the time lord (time lady?) and now we’ve got U-KISS… well, I’m not sure what exactly. Dancing in a deserted old clock tower. Sitting and brooding in a weird deserted room. U-KISS seems to like weird deserted rooms. And like most of their vids, excepting “0330,” this one doesn’t really have a storyline. But that’s OK, because that’s not really the point here. The point is to create a mood, which it does very effectively. All of the sets on this video are dark and shadowy, lit only by sunlight seeping in through windows or holes in the wall (except during those dance sequences and closeups. Then the lighting gets super nice). Since the song is about lies, I guess it makes sense (other than the English bits, I obviously don’t understand the lyrics, since I don’t speak Japanese. But Kevin told us so I believe him).

I have to say I was quite impressed with the dance in this vid. These guys know how to move. I mean we got Kevin front and center here flailing those long limbs like a really attractive spider monkey, and they’re hitting those moves with near-Infinite (the band or the word, take your pick) levels of synchronization. Minus a section of the chorus that seems to be a modified version of the side kicks in SNSD’s “Genie” video, I think the choreo is actually pretty cool, especially the body rolls and those really aggressive shoulder thrusts (never thought I’d use those words in that combo). Oh yeah, boys, you roll those bodies.

As for costumes, the look for this vid is low-key, at least by K-pop standards, and suits the dark and moody tone of the song. It’s like the opposite of Troublemaker. No tacky-ass leopard print, red velour, or Jersey Shore-meets-Fright Night looks. OK, so maybe Kiseop does channel a bit of Jersey Shore with his Snooki ‘do:

Or maybe it’s his tribute to fallen comrade Xander’s pompamullet.

But for the most part the looks here are really attractive. We’re still swimming in guyliner and AJ’s huge head is contoured within an inch of its life, but hey, it’s a K-Pop vid. During the verses, the guys sport simple trousers and button-down shirts in colorblocked combos of black, white, and red. I am not really sure what the random red accents mean, if there is any kind of symbolic meaning to them at all. This section of the video does have a sort of Frank Miller aesthetic to it, so maybe that’s what they were going for? If so, they need more hookers. Although if Frank Miller were inclined to write male hookers, they’d probably be U-KISS.

Anyway, everyone looks really attractive here and I dig the minimalist thing they have going. You can lie to me all night, boys. Except Hoon, at least until he learns to smize properly. Seriously, that boy’s got eyes deader than my brain activity after reading a chapter of Modelland. Tyra would not be pleased, Hoon. You are not Tookie.

Then we have the gray suits, which are pretty hard to complain about, minus the silver lamé accents. Or the pantlegs tucked into boots. Considering the looser cut of the leg, that look doesn’t really work. Don’t these costume designers know? Skinnies only if you’re going to tuck them in. As for the silver lamé, again, it is K-pop. It ain’t K-pop unless something tacky is involved. There’s also those white Hot Topic-looking fingerless gloves that appear in the closeups but are absent in the dance sequences. Not sure what’s up with that, although knowing the typical K-pop MV budget, they probably only had one pair that all the guys had to share.

The third outfit consists of these sleeveless black suit jackets over white shirts, and that pants-tucked-into-boots thing again. Sigh. At least from the waist up it works. Or even the knees up. Them’s some quality thighs right there.

And what would a U-KISS MV be without drama? Going into the final chorus, Dongho parts those bitches like the Red Sea. Seriously, they all jump and fall and Dongho’s in the middle like “Move, bitches!” He’s in fine form in this video, growling and grimacing and noona-baiting like a boss, but unfortunately, it’s all kind of undermined by his Ringo-esque bowl cut that makes it hard to take any of it seriously (well, even more so than the very nature of K-pop makes it hard to take seriously).

Boy touching:

Hoon and Soohyun serenading each other in a deserted room:

Soohyun serenading Hoon while Hoon does… well, I don’t even know what he’s doing here.

Hoon leaving Soohyun to wail alone in a room full of random sparkly confetti:

Also, I see a bed frame with no mattress. But it doesn’t matter. U-KISS doesn’t need no stinkin’ mattresses.

And finally, the Engrish highlight of the video: “I shall be turning on the broken light.” I’d love to know how you do that, Kev. If you mean the light in the weird deserted room, it seems to be working just fine, as evidenced in the scenes above. Just ask Soohyun. Or maybe there’s another broken light I don’t know about? And just how does he turn it on, anyway? Fuck the laws of physics, man. Kevin doesn’t need no stinkin’ laws of physics. If we’d only let him, he could power the world on his fabulosity alone.

And for those of you also missing Xander and his pompamullets, don’t worry. The self-described Virgin King will be back soon with a solo song for me to perv on mock recap. Ladies, hold on to your panties. Or not, since I guess they’re not in any danger from him.

OK so Hyuna and Hyunseung–excuse me, JS–collaboration “Troublemaker” has been quite the controversial topic lately in the online K-pop community (like pretty much anything else Hyuna has ever done). So of course I’m going to talk about it here.

I have to hand it to Cube, they sure know how to get people talking. The video’s teaser, followed by a brief dance performance at the MAMAs, generated an explosion of buzz and amusing youtube reaction videos. By Western standards, the sexiness of these two performances is rather tame, but I guess it’s a big deal for K-pop fans. The music video followed in much the same vein, so I have to give it credit for living up to the promise of the teaser. So often, K-pop video teasers are so different than the actual video, and more often than not are even bigger galactic cockteases than Padme Amidala.

I am unsurprised by the controversy, since it seems to follow Hyuna wherever she goes. When her solo song “Bubble Pop” came out earlier this year, the video went viral and everyone was talking about it. Battles raged across the internet between anti-fans and fans, and she emerged as the new poster girl for Internet feminists around the globe.

Personally, I don’t have a problem with Hyuna and her booty toochin’. As for all the ~*controversy*~, I can’t be arsed to get worked up over it either, because really, how many times have we been through this? Hyuna is just the latest in a long line of pop stars who launched a thousand wanks (pun intended)–Madonna, Britney, Gaga, Ke$ha, etc. And while the fact that this is even an issue is indicative of serious problems with the ways western society views female sexuality (I’m speaking only of international K-pop fans, since that’s where my knowledge lies), I also think that it’s a far bigger problem than brouhahas on the Internet can solve. That said, I’m not quite ready to uphold Hyuna as an icon of female sexual liberation, but I’m a lover, not a fighter, and it’s from that perspective that I write this review.

So let’s talk about “Troublemaker.” I’ve pretty much been ignoring Hyunseung (or is he “JS” now? I’m so confused) because his appearance in this video is, quite simply, forgettable. I mean yeah, he sings and dances some but he never seems to command any attention. He’s just kind of there. For those who don’t know, he’s in the boy band B2ST and… well, boy needs to be in a band. He just seems so stilted and awkward throughout this entire performance and I’m not convinced yet that he’s got the goods to carry a solo song yet (or in this case, a duet). Like Hyuna’s all grinding up on him and booty toochin’ and he’s just like “dobedo.” Seriously, dude?

Also, nice heels there, Hyunseung. Chic.

As for Hyuna, I give the girl credit: she committed. Whatever your opinion on the performance, she was really working the concept and gets an A for effort. Some of the wardrobe choices are a hot mess, though.

Like guurrrrl, what even is that dress? Is it a leftover from Project Runway, when they had to design a line from Wal-Mart bath mats? And what’s with the crimped hair? The only salvagable part of this tragedy is the shoes, and probably only because I have a weakness for fringe. And Hyuna does have lovely ankles.

And then we have this leopard-print meets Blossom monstrosity. All she needs is a pair of Docs and a hat with a flower on top and she could be an extra on My So-Called Life.

Some fine mall rat chic up in here. Nice legs though.

’80s Cher returns!

But to be fair, it ain’t all bad. My favorite look in the video is the first one we see her in, with the cream minidress and killer red heels:

I can always appreciate some badass red heels.

As for Hyunseung/JS–fuck it, I’ll just call him Larry–he ain’t off the hook for his wardrobe choices either. Maybe that’s why he looks so stiff (hehe… yes, I am 12) in this video–I mean, it’s hard to be dressed like an ’80s pimp and take yourself seriously.

Or Jersey Shore meets David Tennant’s character in Fright Night:

Or the Sopranos meets Snoop Dogg:

Maitre’d chic:

I don’t even know what the fuck this is:

I actually find the burgundy velvet suit least offensive, mostly because it reminds me of David Tennant.

Can we have a sexy time lord concept next, please? Although IU’s kind of already on it.

Moving on to the song itself, it’s pretty solid. Not quite as sexy as the teasers would suggest (I was expecting some R&B bump n’ grind business, or something with a heavy hip-hop beat like Doctor Feelgood) but it’s still a fun song, and the whistling hook is damn catchy. I think the whistling might be my favorite part. The only part I didn’t like was Hyuna’s rap. It pulled me out of the song, because it doesn’t really seem to fit with the whole slick sexy vibe. It was this kind of singsong cutesey aegyo-sounding thing (and I know she’s capable of different styles; her voice didn’t sound like that in “Just Follow”) and sounded like it belonged in an Orange Caramel song instead. Fierce Hyuna would’ve been a better fit, in my opinion.

As for the storyline, it’s gangsta month in K-pop, I guess! Essentially it was a Mr. and Mrs. Smith-esque spy concept. The storyline didn’t really make sense, but then, it’s also a K-pop video, and storylines rarely make sense, and so I wasn’t expecting it to. Still, while it was big on the posing and the sexy, it was light on the action, which I think would’ve made the concept a lot more fun. All the spy scenes took place in hotel rooms and a hallway, which was really confining. We’re left with sexy walking, sexy listening-through-the-wall, sexy-video-watching, sexy meetings-in-hallways, sexy shoosting and pyromania–oh.

I do like concept but it would’ve been better if they took a little further, like Britney’s “Toxic” video. Way to stretch that budget, Cube. However, I appreciate that the video was limited to the running time of the song instead of dragging on and on and on and on. Sometimes brevity really is the soul of wit.

Other bits worth mentioning: the choreo was nothing special, just standard k-pop choreo and a lot of Hyuna’s trademarks, like the booty tooch. Lotsa booty toochin’ up in here.

Now as much as I appreciate a good booty tooch, I was hoping for something a more. Not just from Hyuna, but from the choreo as a whole. It was just kind of all right to me. Maybe if a dance version of this video comes out, I might change my mind. But for the moment I was just sort of meh on it.

Also, k-pop stylists, can we please stop with the scary ass circle lenses? I remember them from T-Ara’s “Cry Cry” dance video too. These closeups look freakier than vamp!Bella in Breaking Dawn.

Now i’m a Trekkie and love me some aliens, but unless you’re doing a space opera concept, please, let these lovely ladies sport a human look.

Now finally I get to my favorite part of the video, which is the cat. I found it to be a very interesting and compelling side character. Although the kitty did not appear for very long, its appearance was quite memorable.  I think it had really great chemistry with Hyuna so the scene was highly effective.

I have seen some concern expressed over the fate of the kitty, particularly after Hyuna lit the hotel on fire, but I have faith. Cats are resourceful creatures. We always land on our feet.

JOON: “For the last time, I’m not dressed as a bathroom rug. I’m supposed to be a yeti. A very attractive yeti.”

MIR: “You’re not smizing, Joon. SMIZE. And hurry up, I’m late for a polo match.”

THUNDER: “I’m wearing a suit onesie. A fucking tweed suit onesie. Fuck my life.”

SEUNGHO: “Oh wow, I’m actually the most normally dressed person here.”

G.O: “Just wait, Seungho. Next time, they’re going to stick you in a ladies’ blouse and a duster with a skirt. You just wait.”

All y'all Amurricans ain't ready for this

And it’s not just U-KISS. K-pop groups and artists in general need to stop trying to make it in the U.S. Like “fetch,” it’s never going to happen. I can think of so many reasons why. I’m going to list a few.

With the Western music industry the way it is now, the chances of any K-pop group being moderately successful here are up there with snowballs in hell and Kim Kardashian in a stable marriage. Let’s not shit ourselves here. The only way it’s even remotely possible is if the American music climate suddenly reverts back to the bubblegum pop of the late ’90s, and even then it’s iffy. Remember, for every BSB and *NSYNC there was an O-Town, LFO, 5IVE, Dream Street, etc. And while I can’t be the only K-pop fan who initially gravitated to the genre with gleeful squeals of, “It’s like the 90s never left!”the 90s did leave, at least in North America.

And even when ’90s pop was cool it was never really cool. Regardless of boy bands’ and pop princesses’ dominance on the charts, there was still a lot of stigma attached to liking that sort of music, at least if you were over 14. And like all music crazes, it reached saturation point quickly and crashed even more quickly, as American fans’ affections switched from the fluffy and frothy to angry and screamy, with such esteemed early-’00s bands as Linkin Park and Nickelback. But I digress. Some 90s pop stars are still around, but they’re the ones that adapted the changing climate of the Western music industry and no longer put out the bubblegum sound so popular in the late 90s and still popular in K-pop.

Furthermore, K-pop plays heavily upon the Asian “flower boy” aesthetic which was never embraced in the U.S., at least outside of the Teen Beat crowd. Are you people forgetting the rampant homophobia surrounding Western boy bands, even in their glory days? Must I go into detail over the amount of shit I received being a Backdoor Boys fan? See how well it worked out for Heart2Heart. And these are all western boy bands who spoke the language and fully understood the western aesthetic of masculinity (even if they didn’t always subscribe to it). K-pop might be a bit more westernized than say, J-pop, but it’s still full of guyliner and metrosexuality and rampant homoeroticism. That should go over spectacularly in the U.S., with the nice dash of racism you know will accompany it.

checkin' out pics of your butt

I’ma cut the shit. For now at least, Asian men are never going to be considered heartthrob or “leading man” material in the U.S. Yes, there are exceptions as there always are, but generally speaking Asian men tend to only succeed in the American entertainment industry within certain roles: kung fu guys, Yakuza/Asian mafia guys, and comic relief-y stereotypes. And while K-pop boy bands would definitely provide comic relief, I doubt it’d be the kind us fans would like. It’s only OK when we say it! And don’t any of you fuckheads start rattling off examples of rock or hip-hop bands with Asian members. We’re talking about idol groups here, who target a drastically different audience and have a drastically different appeal. The goal is to present dreamy lust objects for teenage girls, not legit musicians renowned by Pitchfork writers and Internet hipsters (although apparently K-pop is Pitchfork-approved now).  If you honestly think Kevin Woo and Mike Shinoda have anything in common aside from nothing, I suspect you also think the Star Wars prequels are underrated and Hudson Hawk was the movie that defined a generation.

I’ve mostly discussed boy bands so far, but let me address girl groups briefly. They have one thing going for them that boy bands don’t, which is that homophobia is not an issue. Huh huh, chicks giving each other baths and getting cozy in cars. Hot. They also got the whole Orientalism hot-Asian-chick shtick going for them. Offensive stereotypes, yay! Still, I don’t see girl groups gaining any traction for the same reason boy bands won’t–the American music climate is simply not conducive to bubblegum pop right now. Even Western pop groups are flopping in their own native countries. Jonas Brothers, we hardly knew ye. A few years ago, who’d have thunk that Nick Jonas’s 18th birthday would pass with so little fanfare? I can’t even think of any girl groups that are successful at the moment. The most recent spate of them–Danity Kane, Pussycat Dolls, Cheetah Girls–all seem to have faded into obscurity or worse (warning: very NSFW).

So if any of my oppas and unnies are reading this (let’s just ignore the fact that I’m older than everyone), please, as a diehard fan, I beg of you: stay in Asia. It’s really the best thing for both of us. U-KISS, you might be the musical equivalent of that embarrassing boyfriend that wears hokey Hawaiian shirts everywhere and thinks burping the national anthem is an impressive party trick, but I love you dearly, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Live long and prosper.

There is really no other explanation I can find for the catastrophe that is Heart2heart’s “Facebook Official.” For those who don’t know, Heart2heart are a fledgling boy band mentored by Lance Bass, who may be jockeying against Misha Collins for Biggest Troll of His Own Fandom. In which case, bravo, Lance. Bravo. Heart2heart have debuted to such a deafening buzz that they have resorted to tagging their videos with popular K-pop groups such as Big Bang, SNSD, and Super Junior to gain attention. Somehow B1A4 found their way into the tags as well. Congrats, B1A4. You know you’ve arrived when attention hungry nugu boy bands stick your name in their youtube tags.

It seems that Heart2heart are attempting to court the K-pop audience by ripping off incorporating a lot of k-pop-esque elements into their video. And while there is that adage “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” i’m not sure how flattering it is to associate k-pop with this clusterfuck. To quote Beyonce, “this is a disastuh.”

First, look at these guys. The hair and styling are obviously modeled after K-pop bands.

vs. SHINee-”Ring Ding Dong”

vs. U-KISS-”Man Man Ha Ni”

vs. MBLAQ-”Stay”

vs. MBLAQ-”Stay”

vs. MBLAQ-”Mona Lisa”

Sadly, they seem to have forgotten the most important element of successful K-pop boy bandery: actually being pretty.

The video’s beginning is strikingly similar to that of Teen Top’s “Supa Luv” video in the sense that the band members literally “fall” into place. I also saw a lot of 2pm’s “Still 2:00pm” teaser:

The sequence with Lance is nearly identical to Se7en’s “Better Together” video.

The song also starts off with the k-pop staple, the awkward spoken intro. I was especially struck by the similarities to B1A4′s “Only The Bad Things.” Granted a lot of western pop does the spoken intro as well (BSB’s “I’ll Never Break Your Heart,” anyone?) but it doesn’t seem as common as it is with K-pop.

There’s also rap, and while some western boy bands have done rap, I’d say it’s much more common in K-pop.

There are so many more “… hey, haven’t I seen this before?” moments during this video. I’ll let pictures tell a thousand words:

vs. SHINee-”Lucifer”

vs. B1A4-”OK!”

vs. B1A4-”Beautiful Target”

vs. U-KISS-”Man Man Ha Ni”

vs. Infinite-”Nothing’s Over”

But the worst offense, to me, is jacking the infamous K-pop lip rub (as dubbed by Simon on Eat Your Kimchi). Here is just one example from MBLAQ’s “Mona Lisa:”

But I’m not here to throw a bunch of screencaps at you and call it a day. Nor am I going to claim that B1A4, Shinee, Teen Top, etc. patented those concepts, either. K-Pop bands rip each other off all the time. They rip off western artists all the time. I ain’t gonna deny that and I ain’t going to begrudge Heart2heart for doing the same thing. What I am going to say is that if you’re going to rip off other bands, do it in a way that doesn’t suck. You don’t throw together an incongruous hodgepodge of ripoffs–I mean, homages and expect K-pop fans to immediately embrace you. The end result is a song, band, and MV that have no real identity of their own, other than being painfully derivative. So basically it’s the musical equivalent of a Cassandra Clare novel.

Those of you familiar with the K-pop bands referenced in this recap and in the “Facebook Official” youtube tags can verify that they have very different images and appeal. Even the ones who have tried out different concepts (SHINee, MBLAQ, and Infinite to name a few) never do so in the same video. You can’t do the cutie-boy aegyo in one frame and in the next ME SO MANLY LEANING AGAINST THIS BRICK WALL WITH NO SHIRT ON. And furthermore, not all bands are versatile enough to pull off drastic image changes. That’s not a bad thing–part of being a good band is knowing your strengths. B1A4 might specialize in cutie-boy aegyo but can you see 2PM throwing hearts and crooning “Joom joom my heart like a locket?” Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Finally, if you look at the songs by successful boy bands–both K-pop and western–those things are ear worms. I defy anyone to say they have never at any point found themselves humming “I Want It That Way” or at least had it stuck in their heads. Hit songs are relentlessly catchy with infectious hooks. “Facebook Official” lacks any of the above. I’ve listened to it way too many times just doing this recap, and still can’t really remember it. I had to listen yet again to recall the chorus, and I just don’t see “Heart on your page” becoming the next “I’ve got yooooouuuuuuu under my skin” or “Give it to my YYYYYYYYYY” or “I love yoooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu.”

I think I could cut these guys some slack if the video was at least well-made, but it’s not. The arrangement sounds like it was made with Pandora’s synthesizer on Skins (in fact, I think Panda’s song is actually catchier and wittier) and the video looks like it was shot on a $2 budget at a condemned elementary school. I’m not going into the lyrics, since a) it’d hardly be the first western pop song to have stupid lyrics and b) I don’t speak Korean, but it’s a pretty safe bet K-pop lyrics are just as inane. I have to say though, with such lyricism as “checkin’ pics of your butt,” who needs Engrish?

The only logical conclusion after all this is that these guys are a parody, like 2ge+her was. But while 2ge+her was a masterpiece of satire, Heart2heart is not nearly as witty or self-aware. What we’re left with is just a confusing mess, leaving audiences unsure if they’re serious or not. Whatever their goal is, I kind of doubt this is the reaction they were hoping for.

And finally, I know some of you hags are going to insist that K-pop fen would love these guys if they were actually Korean. I’m sure they would. It’s not like there’s any bad K-pop or anything.

Oh, wait.

Scans and article translations courtesy of http://bosung.tumblr.com/

OK, you know I’ve got mad love for Teen Top. No, really. Stop looking at me like that. “No More Perfume On You” has been my jam lately. Mostly because I didn’t know what the words meant. Thanks to Simon and Martina, however, I realize now what a hot mess that whole concept is and I must join them in asking, “WTF is their management thinking?” I might be a creeper but come on, people. This is some Mary Kay Laterneau shit up in here.

The interview itself is standard K-pop boy band fare, with questions about their ideal girl and what turns them on. Ricky, at least, acknowledges that he felt uncomfortable singing the line about cheating on his girlfriend with a perfume-spraying noona. You go, Ricky. Sadly this does nothing to diminish the pedo bait-ness of this shoot. I know this is getting repetitive but… WTF is their management thinking?? It’s like they’re trying to emulate this iconic Janet Jackson photo (NSFW) or more recently, this Adam Levine photo shoot (also NSFW). The thing is, if you’re going for a sexy and provocative concept like this, you’ve got to commit. But since it would be socially unacceptable pretty much anywhere to have female hands groping a teenage boy’s junk, that’s out. So we get this watered-down version instead which is less with the sexy and provocative and more with the confusing and creepy.

I get that the red nail-polished hands are supposed to belong to a sexy noona, but I can’t be the only person who at a quick glance believed that two members of Teen Top could really have hands that girly. Not to mention that in a genre of music in which guys frequently wear copious amounts of guyliner and shave their pits, can girly red nail polish be that far off? And what is with that American $2 bill, yo? Has this noona been going to a strip club featuring underage boys? Are there even any $2 bills left anymore? You’d think noona could shell out more than that, even with inflation. Isn’t there a Lifetime Movie about this somewhere?

Changjo just wants to become a pop star but the only job he can find is working as a male stripper with a fake ID. One day he gains the affection of a sexy noona who decides to become his sugar mommy. But wait–noona’s husband figures out that she’s boffing an underage male stripper! So Changjo has to make sure she stops spraying perfume as not to give him away. Will the angry husband sniff him out and snuff him out before he can achieve his dreams? Find out in “No More Perfume On You” premiering Sunday September 4th at 9/8pm central.

I cannot believe the Ministry of Magic isn’t all up on this yet (let me clarify that I do not support censorship in any way, shape, or form; it’s just that the Ministry has banned videos for a lot less, which just goes to show how messed-up their priorities are).